I Thought I Met the British Boy of My Dreams

I wish I could say it was while walking along the River Thames or while drinking a pint at a local pub in Soho, but it was in my DMs. I didn’t have a lot of followers at the time on Instagram and mostly posted about fitness and my weight loss journey, when I got a random direct message from a guy. James.

James lived in London and was super sweet and simply gorgeous. His smile was always coy and discreet but his messages always felt so open, like reading the words off a billboard—clear and straightforward. He said he traveled for work and was always somewhere new. His Instagram feed was not filled with shirtless mirror selfies or something as trivial as cars. It was colorful and bright, full of blurry photos of laughing friends or a picturesque view from wherever he was staying last. Sunsets, elephants, and blue waters. He was adventure– and back then my life looked like a gray never ending cycle of work and working out.

His first message was, “I don’t know why you showed up on my feed, but it must be meant to be. You are beautiful.” I thought I was being catfished—why would someone like him want to talk to someone like me. I had lost around 50 lbs and was a size 12 for the first time since middle school, but still felt so insecure about my body. I definitely did not see myself the way he saw me, but I responded anyway, with a shy “Thank you.” We instantly started talking back and forth sporadically during the week–asking about each other’s lives. 

While I had been talking to James for well over a year, I started dating my first ever boyfriend, but I still kept in touch with him on a monthly cadence. Although my ex (then boyfriend) and I physically connected, we weren’t connecting emotionally. James was better at making me feel safe, supported, and seen–even from 5,000 miles away. In that same year, my sister and I planned our 7-day trip to London. I had always wanted to go. I blame the Parent Trap and Harry Potter. James told me all the places that should be on my list of must-sees—an exhibit here or a restaurant there. He also asked if he could take me out dancing one night while I was there, so we could finally meet in person. But out of loyalty to my boyfriend (ironically enough), I said no and we didn’t meet. He was really disappointed. We both were.

My boyfriend ended up cheating on me, ending our 11-month relationship. I was heartbroken and felt like I must not have been good enough because of what happened. I dived headfirst into my work for a much needed distraction. I didn’t have the time to continue my ridiculous two-a-day workout regimen and started gaining all the weight I had lost, back. I went from a size 12 to a size 16 and was inspired to post about my experience, sharing self acceptance and body positivity. James continued to be so encouraging and admired my work. I still remember when he messaged me: 

 “I know my opinion doesn’t matter, but you have never looked more sexy and self-assured.”

After 3 years of casually chatting back and forth, James finally had a work trip in my hometown and wanted to see me. I was not dating anyone and I was excited to finally meet him. I picked him up from his hotel and he was just as beautiful in person as he was online. He was charming and the chemistry was so damn palpable. We were constantly touching each other. His hand on my thigh, my hip touching his, his arm around my waist, my hand on his arm, his fingers tracing the rings on my hands–it was a lot 🔥. We went to a bar where he kept his hand on my hip, whispering how lovely I looked in that deep British accent of his. I smiled and internally squealed so hard when he said, “I really fancy you.” We promised to meet up again on my upcoming solo trip to London.

The week leading up to my trip, James talked about all the places where he wanted to take me–the Victoria and Albert Museum, a speakeasy in Covent Garden, dancing in Shoreditch and how excited he was to see me again but when I arrived in London everything changed. As soon as I arrived James went silent. His usual response and messages turned short and cold. I remember asking him “when are you free to meet this week?” and he answered 3 days later that he was busy but hoped I was enjoying myself. I started wondering what I had done wrong, rereading message to see if I had said something that ruined everything. I started to doubt myself and the insecure Jaimmy I thought I had left behind started appearing again. This went on for the entire two weeks I was there, and on my birthday in London, I spent it alone. 

Now I had always planned on spending my 31st birthday alone. Something about thirty-ONE and being ONE with myself sounded nice (🙄), but I also thought maybe, just maybe, I’d get to hold hands with someone who I liked, in a city that I loved. But I would not make myself feel small or worthless because of a boy—not again. So I took myself to the museums, met new friends and old ones that took me dancing and ate amazing Indian food, and it was absolutely perfect. When it comes down to it, the best and longest relationship I’ll ever have is the one I have with myself. The person of my dreams will always be me.