Stop Waiting to Live

“You don’t deserve love,” “You don’t deserve to be happy,” “You are fat and you are ugly so you deserve nothing.” These were the thoughts that use to plague my mind—what I earnestly believed about myself. I didn’t think I could live the life I wanted until I was in a smaller body. One I believed to be worthy of it all.

I use to say to myself “once I lose weight, I’ll be [fill in the blank]” or “once I lose weight, I’ll finally [fill in the blank].” ⁣Sometimes it was little things like “I’ll finally get that one hairstyle” or “I’ll wear that swimsuit with the cutouts.” Sometimes it was bigger. “I’ll finally be worthy of love.”⁣

It makes me extremely sad to think about it now—to know I didn’t think I was worthy of living a full and fulfilling life because of my body and the number on the scale.⁣ Sometimes those thoughts try to weasel their way back into my head but it’s harder for them to get through now because I know that it’s not true.

For me choosing to love myself is so much more than just liking my body. It’s about finally giving myself the permission to live. To stop waiting and to live life without restriction, self hate, or doubt. To go on vacation and not have that anxiety about food or what I looked like in a bikini is so liberating.